Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2012 16:38:18 GMT -6
Chapter 04
They say that you never really know how much of an effect someone has on your life until they're gone, and you can feel the pieces missing. They're right.
I never knew how much she meant to me, how much she did for me without ever trying. I never realized how much her smile brightened my day, even though I didn't see her all that often. I never realized how much the sound of her voice soothed me, or how much I longed to see a flash of that brilliant purple hair through the day.
I didn't know how much it would hurt when they sent her away. I had no idea the effect she really had on my life. I never realized that I banked on having someone else smiling at me. Shunsui has always been there, and he means a lot to me, but he's not Shihoin-sama. I had always thought of her as a distant friend, not someone who had a huge effect, but then, not someone I wanted to do without, either.
I didn't realize that it would be painful to lose her. But it is, knowing Yoruichi-sama can never return to the Seireitei is painful. Knowing that I will never see her again truly hurts. I had never let myself consider the idea of a long-term relationship with anyone. My condition doesn't allow me such thoughts. I refuse to force another to deal with this on a day to day basis, that is not my style. Never mind the implication of having children while I'm like this. Who knows if I can pass it on that way. I won't risk it, I won't force anyone to live the way that I have lived.
And so through the years, I have been alone. Friends with many, kind to all, but still alone in the closest sense. Shunsui doesn't like it, he's tried a dozen times to set me up. But I won't do that again, I know what sort of effect my condition has on a relationship. I can't handle it, and neither can anyone else. Mostly, I can't take another scene like the last one, with that look in her eyes as she told me she couldn't do this anymore. And I understood, but it hurt. I won't do that again. Just being a Captain is hard enough, being a friend is hard enough.
But I think, despite my best efforts, I was falling in love with Yoruichi. Silly, perhaps, because even without my condition, the Shihoin elders would have had a fit. But I truly think that I was falling in love with her. Or maybe I had already fallen in love with her, and I just hadn't realized it, yet.
And now she's gone. Banished for something I can't even comprehend. She can't come back anymore. I hope she's happy, wherever she is. But I sense, somehow, that she probably isn't, not really. But it's not really anything of my concern, I suppose. We live and die by our actions.
I only hope that Yamamoto-sensei never bids me cross blades with her, I'm not certain that I could, even uncrippled by my condition.
I shouldn't be writing this, truly, I shouldn't. I should be focusing on my paper work, I certainly have enough of it, but I thought, perhaps, writing about the tangle in side of me, I could come to undertand it. I don't think that I really have, though. I've only raised more questions within my soul than I have answered.
Still, I feel a bit better, having written it, having admitted that there is something there beyond what I had anticipated. I can't help but find myself wondering if she feels the same, if she could feel the same. Though, it matters little now, nothing can change what has happened, no matter how much any of us want to, it can't be changed. It is something that I must accept, regardless of my feelings on the matter.
I still find myself remembering her smile though, it was infectious, in a good way. Even when I was feeling my worst, she could always get me to smile back at her. Why is it that we often find ourselves longing for that which we must not have?
Hm, such is our nature, I suppose. No matter what is laid out before us, we want something out of reach. Or something that is bad for us. We are never content with that which is already ours, even when we deserve no more than we have, or already have far more than we deserve. Still, even knowing that, it's difficult to remember that we cannot have it, that we must not.
But she will live in her world, and I will live in mine. And maybe, one day, something will bridge those worlds together, but until then, we both have our lives to lead. And we will lead them, for we have no choice in the matter. Our lives are not our own, will never be our own, for we live to protect others, and thus, our lives are forever hanging in the balance, waiting for the wrong move, and the thread to snap.
I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. But maybe that's alright, too. It's probably better this way, anyway. After all, I can only bring sorrow to those around me.
They say that you never really know how much of an effect someone has on your life until they're gone, and you can feel the pieces missing. They're right.
I never knew how much she meant to me, how much she did for me without ever trying. I never realized how much her smile brightened my day, even though I didn't see her all that often. I never realized how much the sound of her voice soothed me, or how much I longed to see a flash of that brilliant purple hair through the day.
I didn't know how much it would hurt when they sent her away. I had no idea the effect she really had on my life. I never realized that I banked on having someone else smiling at me. Shunsui has always been there, and he means a lot to me, but he's not Shihoin-sama. I had always thought of her as a distant friend, not someone who had a huge effect, but then, not someone I wanted to do without, either.
I didn't realize that it would be painful to lose her. But it is, knowing Yoruichi-sama can never return to the Seireitei is painful. Knowing that I will never see her again truly hurts. I had never let myself consider the idea of a long-term relationship with anyone. My condition doesn't allow me such thoughts. I refuse to force another to deal with this on a day to day basis, that is not my style. Never mind the implication of having children while I'm like this. Who knows if I can pass it on that way. I won't risk it, I won't force anyone to live the way that I have lived.
And so through the years, I have been alone. Friends with many, kind to all, but still alone in the closest sense. Shunsui doesn't like it, he's tried a dozen times to set me up. But I won't do that again, I know what sort of effect my condition has on a relationship. I can't handle it, and neither can anyone else. Mostly, I can't take another scene like the last one, with that look in her eyes as she told me she couldn't do this anymore. And I understood, but it hurt. I won't do that again. Just being a Captain is hard enough, being a friend is hard enough.
But I think, despite my best efforts, I was falling in love with Yoruichi. Silly, perhaps, because even without my condition, the Shihoin elders would have had a fit. But I truly think that I was falling in love with her. Or maybe I had already fallen in love with her, and I just hadn't realized it, yet.
And now she's gone. Banished for something I can't even comprehend. She can't come back anymore. I hope she's happy, wherever she is. But I sense, somehow, that she probably isn't, not really. But it's not really anything of my concern, I suppose. We live and die by our actions.
I only hope that Yamamoto-sensei never bids me cross blades with her, I'm not certain that I could, even uncrippled by my condition.
I shouldn't be writing this, truly, I shouldn't. I should be focusing on my paper work, I certainly have enough of it, but I thought, perhaps, writing about the tangle in side of me, I could come to undertand it. I don't think that I really have, though. I've only raised more questions within my soul than I have answered.
Still, I feel a bit better, having written it, having admitted that there is something there beyond what I had anticipated. I can't help but find myself wondering if she feels the same, if she could feel the same. Though, it matters little now, nothing can change what has happened, no matter how much any of us want to, it can't be changed. It is something that I must accept, regardless of my feelings on the matter.
I still find myself remembering her smile though, it was infectious, in a good way. Even when I was feeling my worst, she could always get me to smile back at her. Why is it that we often find ourselves longing for that which we must not have?
Hm, such is our nature, I suppose. No matter what is laid out before us, we want something out of reach. Or something that is bad for us. We are never content with that which is already ours, even when we deserve no more than we have, or already have far more than we deserve. Still, even knowing that, it's difficult to remember that we cannot have it, that we must not.
But she will live in her world, and I will live in mine. And maybe, one day, something will bridge those worlds together, but until then, we both have our lives to lead. And we will lead them, for we have no choice in the matter. Our lives are not our own, will never be our own, for we live to protect others, and thus, our lives are forever hanging in the balance, waiting for the wrong move, and the thread to snap.
I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. But maybe that's alright, too. It's probably better this way, anyway. After all, I can only bring sorrow to those around me.